Pic

I just love this picture!

Save me from Mao

Me and Mao for the past five days,  great man....he hs done a lottttttttttttttt of things in his lifetime...but not great if you hv to study him for an exam....he has done tooooooo many things!!!! :((((( Kalke exam hole ami baachi!!! M sick of china!!!!!!!!!!! : xxxxxxx  And there is no point is studying like this! Sigh! Break is over... Mao calling! :|

Surprise surprise

I was searching for a thing when I suddenly bumped into my old diaries. Very old diaries. Earlier I had never taken the opportunity to go through them but today I felt like it. As I was going through some of the things I had written, I was struck by the fact that I have grown up so much!! I couldn't believe some of the things I had written there. I was SO naive! Reading them now almost feels like reading a diary of a girl I used to know. I also realised that the girl has transformed and suddenly remembered what a professor had said about transformation. That, whenever transformation takes place, a change occurs, but the 'form' remains. It is so true. I mean as much as there were things that have no possibility of happening now, there were some things which continue even to this day. But what was ok many years ago is not OK today. So that was a reality check. Suddenly the perspective that I was lacking for some days was back on track. I guess, sometimes it is useful to take a breather, to turn back and measure the length of the journey so far. It is SO worth it!

I love my new blog colour :)

kichu lokeder jibone kichu hobe na. ei amar level of concentration??!!! ccchiiiiiii

Kono kaaj nei

Is it true that when you wish for something with all your heart it comes true? 

Is there anyone in the world who enjoys being powerless?

Is there anything called destiny?

Who decides what is right and what is wrong?

Why is hope the strongest emotion yet too much of it makes one weak?

When will I step out of my current state of mind?

What happens to me when it rains? 

I hope [again] that one day, I will have the answers to all these questions and will write elaborate posts on them. WOW! That will be some day!

30.4.2010, our last day at college ( university). A day that will stay with me forever. Jadavpur University... a witness to my life for 5 long years, all my special moments, both happy and sad, somehow absorbed in the walls, stairs, chairs and everything that makes up Jadavpur University what it is. See... I am getting emotional now! When will I ever be able to detach my emotions as a writer?! Anyway, my relationship with my college has been the most 'complete' relationship of my life. I joined it due to parental pressure, hated it for a pretty long time, then the hatred took a more subdued form of dislike, eventually giving way to a likeness and finally love. An unconditional love with the place because it has given me so much. It was a much needed preparatory stage before my actual 'tough' life begins. Anyway, love the place, yes, but I believe the relationship is complete since I have also managed to 'let go' of the place, and kept all the memories, good, bad and ugly, safe with me. I have given 5yrs of my life to this institution and was paid back by a lot more. A LOT MORE. :)

ps: I wish I could do justice to my feelings, coz when I write about myself, I suck!

WHEN WILL I LEARN TO LET GO?

Miracle

Is there anything called a miracle? According to science, maybe no, but what about when doctors are heard saying the line, ' dawaon ki nahi, duyaon ki zaroorat hain'. What about then? Is there any possibility of turning my thoughts into a reality? Even a single hint now and then from the man above will not be such a bad thing. I am hoping for a miracle for some days now, because I know that, it is probably the only way of getting what I am asking for. God, sometimes you have to take charge of my life also!! I know that your 'to do' list is overflowing of important stuff but my case is also very important you see. It is very very important. Please, make use of your resources and create a miracle....please :)

Marriage

Marriage..a very important word for many, if not the most important. Same for me. I mean, as far as I can remember, my dream has been TO FALL IN LOVE, almost like a compulsory phenomenon that HAS TO HAPPEN. Needless to say, I am a complete sucker of romance, and I am a very romantic and imaginative person [ if not the most romantic and imaginative person]. I am able to scrape out romance even out of dumb-sick-to-the-stomach bengali tv serials. I always have a romantic dream that accompanies me, and sometimes I am not even in the main lead! Lets not go into all that, lets just say that I can fantasize with anything and everything and its a beautiful form of escapism for me. I love the concept of two different individuals, complete in themselves, meeting and feeling the genuine need to be with each other for the rest of their lives, for reasons known only to them. And when the world joins in their celebration, it's called marriage. [ I would not like to go into live-in-or-marriage crap, because I personally think, commitment is a natural thing, and one commits when one wants to ] Anyway, so the picture in my mind is pretty clear by now. It is a happy picture :)

A few months back, my parents had asked me if I would like to go in for an arranged marriage. I thought to myself : Arranged marriage...hmm. How bad can it be? After all, my parents will never go against my wish, and we are a family, so quite naturally all of us will have the same choices. Plus, my parents have never been the you-have-to-do-it types. So I said, " Sure, why not!" Like most bengali parents, my parents too were satisfied with my answer. 

Here, I must explain, what was really going on in my mind. My mind was all pink [ my friends would know what I mean by this] It means everything was positive in this world, positive and rosy. A new dream was in the making. Like everything else in my life, I had thought, this would also be a piece of cake! It would be a lot better to find someone, fall in love and be happy ever after. Atleast my heart will not complaint of all the heartaches that it endures owing to all the crushes that I develop in no time at all. The whole process of falling in and out of 'love' is a pain in itself! Trust me! 

So the typical process started, with checking out the guy's pictures, then his qualification, family background etc etc. A lot of little little things happened in the mean while, all related to this pain call arranged marriage [ Unlike some I am not able to write in detail since they are very personal and involve my most loved ones]. Soon I realized that, this whole thing, it is not something very easy, and definitely not remotely rosy. I mean, the guys I like, don't like me, and the ones I DON'T like, well ..they like me!! Can anyone imagine the confusion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hell, I am just 23 years old, waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet [ not literally of course] and here I was, given a LONG list of things to choose from?! I felt like an impractical fool every time this topic came up, which continues even to this day. 

I know, the whole concept of falling in love is overrated and it's difficult for most people to understand. But I can't help it if I believe that 'You've got mail', 'Serendipity', 'August Rush' have a possibility of being a reality. I really believe that there is something called 'connection' and it exists. IT DOES! I have seen it. It is cruel to make a choice on the basis of the guy's institution, his level of degree, where he stays, how many siblings he has etc etc. I just can't bring myself to do this. Maybe in today's world, I would be regarded as a fool, impractical, kiddish, silly and everything on those lines. But I am what I am and it's too late to change it. I know that I am hurting a lot of people in the process, but I am helpless if you ask me to marry someone based on anything other than love. 

And yes, I also want a comfortable life for myself but not at the cost of my emotions, which are my most precious possessions. You take that away from me and I will have nothing. So, nothing in the world can make me fall in love, no money, no degree, no cars, no houses, no nothing, until, love happens. And it will...[touchwood] 

p.s : Never in my wildest dreams had I thought of writing a post on this topic, I mean stuffs like these are for  personal diaries.My diaries are filled with such stuff and more, but, somehow I needed to write it on a more open medium, I don't know why. 

Why

All of us use some word or the other all the time. In my case the word is 'why', that also with an extremely whiny tone accompanying it. Whenever things don't go my way, or I am in a crisis situation, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is ' keno re?' [ Why?] I remember what a friend of mine had told me once, ' shob keno r kono uttor hoi na', that is, ' not all whys have answers'. I know, sometimes there are some questions which have no proper answer, but this explanation does not satisfy me!! I keep on asking, WHY WHY WHY :( [ sick of it!] I can't help it if I want answers, I mean proper answers!! OSHOJHO!

Hrishikesh Mukherjee

I don't know since when I have been in love with Hrishikesh Mukherjee films. Earlier when we didn't have cable connection at home, I used to wait for the Saturdays to come so that I could watch old Hindi movies, I even left my dancing class only because I had to give up the climax of all those movies for the class timing! Though I must mention that I did not like bharatnatyam much, I would rather be the couch potato anyway! As I grew up I realized that it is not only about old Hindi movies in general, but about a particular type, that is the Hrishikesh Mukherjee type, which fascinates me the most. I think he was the best... no melodrama, no nautanki, just plain good movies. Movies which you can watch again and again. I have lost count of how many times I have seen Chupke Chupke, Khoobsurat, Golmaal and Bawarchi. They are my most favourites. I have also watched the other ones, but these stand out. For me there is nothing like the combination of  Hrishikesh Mukherjee films and tea to make me feel good. I am in love with the whole concept of big families, the odd mixture of people, the subtle sarcasm, the laughter, the beautiful songs, the innocent love story and most importantly the believable storyline. There was a time when I used to take the lessons from these movies quite seriously. For eg: when Rajesh Khanna's character in Bawarchi says " apna kaam toh sab karte hain, lekin dusroh ka kaam karne mein jo mazaa hain woh kisi mein nahi..." [:P] There are so many like these!! Damn sweet. Somehow the uncomplicated nature of his movies is something that I enjoy the most. I mean in today's life, we have no time for such morals, everyone is busy to get to their dreams, there is hardly any time for anyone to spare a thought for others [:(] But that's the reality of today, atleast I have the movies to make me happy again, after a hard day in real life! :)

LOL

Such a small word, such a big burden. 

love n hope

Finally I did it...after delaying it for the last one month, I finally came around to buy my first pets..if you can call them pets that is!! yup they r my babies..and I named them love and hope..because I think love n hope makes life worth living :) [ also because I am ever hopeful about love :P ] Anyway, they r new in my life, so I can't really write about them in detail, but ya, love has a small black patch in her tail so she can be easily identified. Plus whenever I give them food, she is the first one to come up and have them. Hope is kinda slow. And I may be wrong, but I feel that whenever I talk to them, they come close to the glass and stay there till m done [ U don't HAVE TO believe that] . 

Nonsense

Do you know the similarity between Dinosaurs and Decent boys??











Both don't exist!!!

I am not at all happy and it's all my fault. Me and my 'bere pakami'. When will I learn? :x

College days coming to an end... excited about our last seminar though... hope we don't 'goof uf' :p

Liberation, freedom, principles are all powerful words used by people who either don't understand the meaning of it or don't practice it. I just wish I did not have to learn this fact a hard way. I feel extremely sad to think that all the basic beliefs of my life, which are so personal and precious, are changing right before my eyes and I am powerless to stop it from happening. I am exhausted.

blah~

Park street is in a mess, the politicians are arguing about something irrelevant [as usual], all my friends are upset for different reasons, its so damn hot, have an exam tomorrow... :( I am just so sad.

Everyday,

I am born to a new battle.

Every night,

I die a martyr.

SAD

You know what I would REALLY like?? The creation of a machine or the invention of a process that would allow me to wipe out all that makes me sad!!! Ja kichu na bhalo lagar jinish...shob bhule jabo! What a day that would be! Almost all my friends have told me that I think too much, more than what is required, and its the reason why I always end up with a heavy heart. Since I am a failure at controlling my thought process, I would really like to forget all that needs to be forgotten. How convenient life would be. I am not saying that I want a perfect life, that would make me feel unchallenged. I want to live my life just as it is pre-destined to be, 'perform' all the mistakes that life expects out of me, go through my share of suffering, no complaints there. But at the end of the day, I would really like to forget a few things. 

Harsh realisations :(

1. I can never go to the moon.
2. No matter how many books I read, I can never read my destiny.
3. It will never rain because I am sad, it needs some other scientific reason.
4. Being emotional is the luxury of people who have otherwise a better life, when you know you have to move on no matter what, you don't have the liberty to be emotional about it.

'Amar chhaat'

Every evening, when the sun has set, it is time for me to make some tea and go to my terrace. Its the best time of the day for me, where I can relax and think. I have always managed to come back with a clear head .Basically, if  there's anywhere in the world I find complete peace...its my terrace. It does not have the best of views, it does not overlook the city or greenery, rather a very busy and noisy street runs below, with the autowallahs engaging in their daily squabble (out of sheer boredom or out of habit.. hard to tell!), the cars always trying to overtake each other, very strong street lights blinding my eyes etc. etc.. However, from my favourite angle you can see the jadavpur thana and the south city apartments... not a very pleasing view but it's so amazingly comforting. There have been times when my parents had thought of covering the terrace with a tin roof to ward off the heat, or enclosing the area for some work purpose that they had even tried to bribe me with a swing ( the big wooden ones, where you can lie down)!! Wow.. I so wanted the swing, but not at the cost of the open uninterrupted sky! If the sky is blocked then whom will I throw my questions at?? No way.. decided. For some time now I have been thinking of having some kind of lighting arrangement there so I can read there.... bhabte hobe...

I miss...

Blogging

Blogging... very easy... if you can write, you can blog. But for that you should have something to write about. That's where most of us fail! I just went through some blogs and they were amazing, in terms of content. I was like wow! Sadly I don't feel wow about my blog!! I just felt that they must have had such interesting lives, so much so u feel like a part of their lives when you read their stuff. They are so damn real! I have to say this.....BYAPOK!

I say it best when I say nothing at all :D :D

Oshojho!

Romantic songs @ gym is not exactly an incentive!!!! :x specially when you are already upset that your friends had 'good' canteen food and you didn't [ couldn't] ! One bite and 5 more ab crunches! yikes! BUT point is not that....point is....first of all romantic songs should be banned in gym...and people shouting ' jore daoooo' everytime a mushy track is being played should be forced to discontinue!!

tomorrow 10.30am....viva starts...on china...prepared a lot..read for two whole days...just before hitting the bed i thought of just checking my memory [ always a mistake]...all i could remember was... sun yat sen died in page no. 143. [dirghonishassh]

Ideal Match

Ideal match...one that lights up a fire at one go...one that burns relentlessly..even when the sun is too strong to drown its light, even when it has the rain to fight..the one that sustains through darkness and shines at the other end of it..one that keeps one warm when pain freezes the soul..the one that keeps you company on your birthdays, during the festivals, during the functions..if lucky..even when you are 'powerless'...the one without which every wish and every prayer is incomplete..








If you didn't understand the above post...then AIM matchsticks are great...my personal favourite.

Failure... it breaks your heart, makes you weak, leaves you with innumerable questions which nothing in the world could satisfy. But each time you emerge with a stronger sense of yourself. So maybe some failures are really worth the trouble.

SAD

Yet again... but then again... never-mind.

too many things on my mind..simply doing nothing and going crazy..

And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget (what?)

blah~

People...all they do is ask QUESTIONS! Sometimes I wonder whether they at all have a life! My answer to all of them would be a polite W H A T E V E R ! ! !

Beautiful star....friendly approach.... and a lot of questions :)

Found in a friend's blog

I am: someone, whom u either know or dont know.

I think: I have the lethal combination of super sensitivity with utter lack of expression

I know: my wants and needs, and the difference between them.

I have: beautiful dreams

I wish: to be expressive and understood inspite of it

I hate: being taken for granted

I miss: rain

I fear: loneliness

I hear: what u say, and what u want to say

I smell: of all the products i use

I crave: for depth in people

I search: for a connection between the world i see and the world that is

I wonder: about my future

I would be in 10 yrs: definitely not looking for love~

I regret: nothing really [ after thinking hard for 5 mins ]

I love: with devotion

I ache: silently

I am not: frivolous

I believe: in the power of love

I sing: sometimes

I cry: alone

I fight: when i care

I win: to lose

I lose: to win

I never: act

I always: try

I confuse: mind with heart

I listen: to my heart

I can usually be found: smiling

I am scared of: never falling in love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need: a lil time

I am happy about: my decisions in life

I imagine: of a happy world

keys to imagination

Sometimes I wish if I cud control my imagination..just manipulate it and make it work for me or do things that are 'right'. I get these weird 'strokes' of imagination out of the blue. I am like everyone else, at least that's what I like to believe, I have had a normal life, a normal beautiful life, wrapped up with wonderful memories. I can do just fine with the life I have got. But no! things had to be a little different. Take music for instance, can you find anyone in this world who doesn't appreciate music? hard to find, I know. You listen to music, you find a track that you really like, and it becomes a part of your life for a few days. This much I can afford..but I cant understand why do I have to be transported to a new world suddenly, all because of some music, a particular sentence in a book, a long forgotten picture, an abandoned house, early mornings [ that is when i am awake the whole night], RAIN, even an advertisement! That is when I imagine, with no end to it. it is surreal.. and when I am there, I have no spiritual connection with anyone...and trust me, it is scary. It also makes me think of it as a reason for my lack of connection with most people. Why is spiritual connection so damn important for me?? Why can't I be satisfied with the normal things, like flowers, money, movies, music, people? Instead I get caught up in the scent of a flower, the worth of money, the thought behind a movie, the soul of the music and the emotions of people. It is so hard to come back from there. I don't know, maybe i need to 'grow up' a lot more. I sincerely wish it is the reason behind this.. and I grow up and out of this.

Triumph

4 months of questioning myself...explaining myself...watching the cocoon being pealed off...falling asleep on my birthday with no one to wake me up..waiting to be hugged..being angry at myself for being sensitive..could never shed a single tear then...too much pride. Today I didn't stop them...they spoke of relief and success.





p.s : to all the losers..thanks for trying to mess up my life..hope u r successful in messing up urs.

Holding back the deluge..waiting for the brave..

The sky, though holding in his arms
his bride, the earth
is ever immensely away.


- Tagore

I AM DUMB..I REALLY AM...I AM JUST PLAIN DUMB..I AM DUMB.YES I AM.